The holy trinity
by theonewiththekatz
Summary: (this is my first fanficfion i have ever written, so it might not be the best) In this action-packed story, putin has a big grudge with obama and the US in general. meanwhile, the pope is having a bit of a problem himself. will putin and obama solve their differences, or will they blow things out of proportion?
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue**

Our lord and savior pope, sits down in a circle formation along with many young and old women preaching about the power of Jesus. He goes on about forgiveness between them and their lord and how on god's eyes, nobody is perfect. You should not be embarrassed or ridiculed for your decisions. After he finished and closed up his book called "is the pope catholic?" a slender woman with heavy eyeshadow walks towards him and says.

"Thank you for that wonderful speech, this is the fifth time I've been here and my 3rd procedure, and I have never felt this cleansed. I'm so glad know that I know I have a chance to connect myself with god" she says bowing to him.

"I'm just going what the god foretold" "oh and by the way, I adore your eyeliner" our god Mia gives him a thumbs up from the clouds. The pope packs his things and heads out to the parking lot, many pedestrians are astonished to see that the pope just walked out of a building that aborts babies. They all stare in awe as he climbs into his pope mobile and slowly flies off in his new solar powered hovercraft. He takes a sip out of his chuck e cheese cup he forgot he had in the back from the last preaching and notices a bundle of dark clouds swirling above high in the sky. He had come to the realization that these were not dark clouds, these were bombs, slowly dropping like flies into the city of pope Ville.

"Dang, just when the bachelor was about to start"

He suits up in his onesie and commands his pope mobile to go into maximum overdrive. Going at the speed of sound, He shoots down every bomb he sees with his ak-47 and bubble gun. Attempting to shoot one last one, he ran out of ammo and bubbles to do so. In just a matter of seconds, one half of pope Ville completely disintegrates, leaving a pile of ashes and skeletons.

"NOOOOOO!" "He screams with all his might" "how could I let this happen?" he thinks to himself "who would do such a thing?" The pope just stare off into the distance, softly crying to the tragedy he had just witnessed.

 _ **so, what do you guys think? let me know in the comments below, and maybe, i'll post more. :)**_

 _ **thanks for reading!**_


	2. Chapter 2

**1**

Here lies Putin, the president of Russia, on this laptop sending important illegal documents all around the world to his fellow friends. While rapidly tapping on his computer like some hacker, his associate and assistant neo walks in.

"Here is your hamburger with extra tears" he says. "Could you give me a second, I'm busy"

his assistant stares "uhhhh, do you need like privacy or something?" "No it's not what it looks like, just give me a moment" he awkwardly waits for him to stop slamming his fingers on his keyboard. "Sorry, it was an intense match of team fortress 2, you wouldn't understand. Anyways, what the fuck do you want?" "Here is your burger and I found some footage you should look at" "well, let me see it" "he presents him with a YouTube video containing every single meme of him on Tumblr and Facebook. Enraged, he calls the president of the United States. "Hello, this is president barrack Obama" Putin takes a deep breath "DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH HERE?!" "I can destroy your greasy country in a second if I wanted to, I, the great Putin should never be fucked with!" "Dude, chill, its just children having fun making funny pictures and post about you. People do that to me all the time, it's just something you have to deal with dawg." Obama says in monotone." "I don't care, If you don't do something about it I'll end your country, you have 48 hours eastern standard time to take this down" Putin slams his iPhone down, hanging up the call. "He'll get over it Obama says"

Putin rushes down to the lobby to take a breather, he pets his favorite poodle Ms. Hushpuppy. "Oh hushpuppy, why won't anyone respect me as their leader?" Ms. Hushpuppy lights up a cigarette and tells him "I don't know maybe you're too much of a dick to people"

Putin gives off a sigh, "maybe you're right, maybe I am too harsh to people. Maybe I should start anew with others and treat them the way I wish to be treated" "whatever you want to do dipshit." Hushpuppy says, blowing smoke on Putin's face. Putin goes back upstairs and stubs his toe. "FRICK! Those Americans are on to me! Screw what I said, launch an attack!" "Who are you talking to?" hushpuppy said.

We'll have them all terminated, isn't that right sonic the hog hedge? "AW YEAH, TOO COOL!" he says. "uuuhhh I don't know about this sonic" tails says" Come on sonic and tails, we have an entire world to conquer, soon they will all respect as their ogre lord, Shrek.

 _ **so, what do y'all think thus far? let me know in the comments or review below, i dunno how this site works ok?**_


	3. Chapter 3

**2**

Obama Is found filing paperwork, attending meetings, cutting red ropes, and other president stuff.

After a long and hard day of work, Obama arrives home with a surprise greeting.

"Happy birthday daddy!" party streamers flutter from the ground, poppers go off and music plays.

"Oh guys, you didn't have to do this for me" "but daddy, It's your birthday" his children say as his wife brings in a cake." "Make a with honey," she says, giving him a kiss on his scapula

They sing that stupid birthday song, and as he blows out the candles, he gets a call on his cellphone. "Sorry guys, got to take this" he picks up the phone and at that moment, he rushes out of his house (did I mention he lives in the white house?) to see a line of tanks and soccer moms aiming to obliterate the white house.

"Who authorized this to happen!? I want names!"

A pink tank drives 5.87666 inches away from his face, a man hops out of it, falling face first to the ground. "I'M HERE MOTHERFUCKA!" angsty Putin says, with a completely different style of choice. He's wearing a black tux, with a black tie. He has black shoes on along with black socks. On his fingers is a hot topic ring, containing a skull with red eyes. He has a spiked bracelet wrapped around his wrist. On his face, is a giant nose ring and heavy red eyeshadow. He has long black hair with bangs covering his eye (okay, this is getting old already, how did my immortal do it so well?) Obama looks at him and says, "Man, what the fuck is wrong with you? Can't you swallow your pride for once and accept no one likes you?" "I will make them worship me if it's the last thing I do! Even if it takes all my money and liquor to do so." Obama looks at him with great disappointment, remind me how I became your godfather? Putin ignores him, he carves a pentagram onto the ground and starts chanting some shit. "ARRISSE MY DEMONS ARRISE" Obama just stands there like a dope. Out of the pentagram emerges the ogre lord Shrek, his friend sonic and their slave tails. "We're free!" they say with red glowing all around them with bright glowing eyes, out with them came out a giant bat herd of dragon-donkey mutants. They filled the sky, breathing fire and poison onto everything in sight." "Fear my wrath! Shrek says" "YEAH TOO SLOW!" sonic says. Tails shits his pants.

"I will become the most unstoppable human being in the world!" Putin screams. Shrek pinches Putin on the cheek, causing him to spontaneously combust into flames. "I'm the one who will take over the world" says Shrek. Obama actually decides to do something and call the navy, military, NASA, the FBI, the CIA, and the Fanta girls to help fight off this ogre-lord. But alas, they were all defeated and Obama has been captured and turned into another butlers of theirs.

In days, the white house is painted green with Shrek ears on top, along with the entire USA in flames.

"Ahh this is the life" Shrek says playing cards against humanity with his friends." "So how's the 100,000 bombs coming along?" his friend says. "Oh it's going great, my slave tails has already made 69,420 bombs. Once he's done, then the whole world will start anew with me as their leader." "That's great to hear, make sure you post this on Facebook, you're sure to get at least 10 likes." His friend says drinking Starbucks.

 _ **so, what do y'all think of this chapter? plerase leave a like or a review.**_

 _ **i surely appreciate it :)**_


	4. Chapter 4

**3**

Our poor cinnamon roll tails makes the last bomb, after pulling 7 all-nighters. He flops to the ground crying out of exhaustion. Obama pick him up and shoves him in a dresser cabinet with a rainbow blanket. "Sweet dreams my cinnamon roll", Obama says and slams the dresser cabinet shut.

Shrek stands on the top of the empire state building, with a remote in his hand. "today will be the day that I, Shrek will make this world a better place!" as he is about to press the button, a man tackles him down, trying to pry the remote out of his hands, it was Putin's skeleton, "you can't escape from me motherfucker" Putin says. Shrek throws him over causing him to fall apart skeleton style. Shrek pushes the button and the missiles launched simultaneously. "HAHAHA, I WIN!"

In the horizon we see a flying pope mobile, shooting down each missile in the sky,

"I won't let this happen again, as god as my witness." "Yo" mia says "I, the pope will save this world"

"Ah shit, someone shoot this bastard down!" Shrek yells. As this is going on, Obama swoops in his high tech golden helicopter suited up with heavy artillery. In the back are the military, FBI, CIA, navy, the Fanta girls all ready for combat. One by one, each band together to shoot down every missile in the sky, while the Fanta girls provide lovely beverages.

Shrek furiously draws a detailed satanic pattern on the ground, summoning those donkey-dragon mutants again. But not to fear, as Putin attacks them with his arm bone, causing them to explode in millions of pieces. Sonic sneaks in from behind and spin dashes in to Putin, causing him to fall apart again. By doing so, sonic accidentally falls off the building. "NOOO!" he screams, but the pope flies past and saves sonic from falling. You saved me, why?" "Because I'm the pope you bow-zoe"  
within this time span, every single missile has been cleared off. Leaving a giant smoke cloud engulfing the entire state of New York. We see Shrek lying on the floor in defeat. Everyone cheers with excitement, the evil ogre lord has been defeated.

"Ah, nobody is going to defeat me, I'll go down with them myself if I had to." Shrek pushes a green button on his remote, which reveals one last small missile. "No, you shouldn't do this!" a small voice says. "Think about what you're doing, is this really all worth it, just so you can have no regrets? There's still time, we can go back to the underworld and start over." Tails says, exhausted "no." Shrek says. I will not lose to them." "I'm not letting you launch this bomb!" "Ay, you created it," "because I was forced to by YOU! I'm not taking orders from you." and with that tails slaps the remote out of Shrek's hand. Shrek retaliates my punching tails in the face, causing him to combust. Shrek pushes one last button, launching the missile. And with that, everyone was wiped out in a white flash of light. Leaving nothing but dirt behind.

"It's all ogre now" Shrek's final words

 _ **So, what did you guys think? (this was personally my favorite chapter to write about)**_

 _ **let me know in the reviews. ;)**_


	5. Chapter 5

4

Putin, Obama, the pope, sonic, and Shrek all wake up find themselves in the underworld. (Which is hell btw) as they get up, Obama notices a young fox with his golden butt burnt to a crisp. He pokes his eye which wakes him up. "Oh my lord, what happened? Why are we back home?" "Oh I pulled a Muslim" Shrek says "YEAH TOO SOON!" sonic says. Wait so we're in hell, then why is the pope here? "Hey we all have skeletons in our closets, it's just mine are real" says pope with determination.

"Shrek hey Shrek! Your father wants to talk to you! "A demon says. "Ah shit" Shrek says.

"I can't believe I'm here, I did nothing wrong" Putin says. Everyone responds with "just shut up"

They are sent to Shrek's' father, who is sitting upon a giant throne made of skulls, flesh, money, and gold.

"Donald trump!? What are you doing here?" Obama yells accidentally. "Why, I'm Shrek's father." "Hi daddy" says Shrek. "Shut year pie hole" his father says. "You just destroyed another town, which had MY CASINO in there! 1" "you don't even run it! I did you a favor!" Shrek says with a mighty roar.

Ahh, Putin, the bastard of the family. "I AM NOT A BASTARD!" Putin screams. "He is right you are not a bastard." "But I don't have a father, I never met him." "No Putin….. I am your father, you are my illegitimate son." Everybody gasp to the news. Putin starts crying and rests his head on the pope's bosom. "Oh father, where have you been all my life?" "I'm sorry my son, I was chosen to become one the greatest popes, one who will change the world. I spent my entire life training for this day.

Obama sits down in a fetal position, contemplation what had just happened, "all I wanted was to celebrate my birthday with my family" "all I wanted was for everyone to have perfect eyeliner" the pope says. "All I wanted was to feel accepted in this world" Putin said. "I just wanted to go fast" said sonic. They all look up and see a narrow ray of light, it shines over the pope. "Guys, I think I know what we should do. Shrek, you got over here through Putin's ritual right?" "Correct" Shrek's says. What if we can get someone to make a ritual to send us back to the over world?" "It can work, but we need someone to perform such a demonic ritual." "Do you know anyone here who can go up to the over world and summon us there?" says Putin.

"Not to fret, says a strange old man with a burger in his hand. "Hey, you're my assistant!" says Putin.

"He's also death" Shrek says. "Yes I was waiting for the right time to kill you, but it seems you already did my job. Besides, haven't you seen me in supernatural?" "What's supernatural?" Putin says.

"I can get you to the over world, but I'm going to need one of your souls" everyone looks at each other and shoves tails to the front. "Wait, what are guys doing?" tails says "we're just saving the world that is all." "You asshole!" tails screams.

And with that, death creates a wormhole, ready to send them to the over world. "The ritual is not complete, Donald trump, say the chant to send them back to the world of living!"

Donald trump takes a deep breath and let out a mightier roar. "YOU'RE FIRED!"

They all arrive into the over safe and sound, with no one in sight.

"Oh yeah, we blew up everything, hey death, is there a way you can fix this?" Shrek says. "It will cost you another soul."

"GUYS I'M BACK! I somehow made it! It's a miracle, said donkey. "You can have the jackass" says Shrek

Death, rips donkey's soul out, and uses it to reverses time to make things normal again.

Only one half of New York is fixed, since donkey's soul wasn't strong enough.

"Oh well, I did all that I could do" says death, he order a dozen subway sandwiches and gets ready to leave. "Okay if you need me, just call" and within a flash of dark clouds, death disappears.

"Can I eat the donkey?" Putin asks Shrek. "No, he's mine, I have to deal with him when I get back home."

"Well guys, let's go have a party at my house, it's on me" Obama declares to everyone, everyone cheers with excitement and follows Obama to his brand new shiny house. They invited everyone they knew, Obama invited the entire US military unit. Putin invited stray dogs and Donald trump, along with hell itself, the pope brought over all his rich friends and the Fanta chicks. Death himself, brought an entire subway building onto Obama's front yard. And let's not forget; liquor.

And on that night, everyone got totally wasted and made regretful decisions. Rumor has it that the pope did some face pecking to Donald trump. *hint hint* ;)

"Happy birthday Obama, here's to the rest of our pathetic lives" Putin says to Obama. "thanks dude, from now on, consider me your godfather, if you need anyone to talk to call me." they both jump up to the bright blue sky and fist bump, causing a minor explosion and fireworks to go off.

 **THE END?**

 _ **so, how was that? let me know through a review~ :)**_


End file.
